The Leadership pattern that got you here - And how it’s keeping you stuck

The Leadership Pattern that Got You Here - and How It’s Keeping You Stuck

A guided self-inquiry to uncover and evolve the part of you that’s been working hard to keep you safe.

After you do the below exercise, head to listen to the short guided meditation.

Every leader I work with has at least one pattern they can't quite explain.

They're self-aware. They've read the books. They know, intellectually, what they should do differently. And yet, the same dynamic keeps showing up. Different job, different team, different company. Same pattern.

The micromanaging that started as attention to detail. The people-pleasing that started as being collaborative. The need to have all the answers that started as being the most prepared person in the room. The avoidance of difficult conversations that started as keeping the peace.

These patterns didn't come from nowhere. They were built (albeit unconsciously) carefully and intelligently, by a younger version of you who needed them to survive, succeed, or stay safe.

The problem is that part of you never got the memo that things have changed.

And until it does, it will keep running the same playbook. No matter how much you know better.

This is not a weakness. It's neuroscience.

The brain is extraordinarily efficient at pattern recognition. When a behavior works once, especially under stress or high stakes, it gets filed away as a solution. Over time it becomes automatic. You stop choosing it consciously. It just runs.

In leadership, this shows up as the patterns your coaches, peers, and 360 feedback keep reflecting back to you. The ones you recognize immediately and still can't seem to shift.

The reason insight alone doesn't change behavior is that the part of you running the pattern isn't convinced it's safe to stop.

So instead of trying to override it - what if you updated it?

A Self-Inquiry Practice for Leaders

This is an exercise I use with clients when we've identified a recurring pattern that isn't responding to conventional approaches. It draws on Internal Family Systems, a well-researched psychological framework, and takes about 20 minutes.

You'll need a journal and a quiet space.

Step One: Name the Pattern

Think about a recurring pattern in your leadership. Not a one-off but something that shows up consistently, across contexts, across roles, possibly across years.

Some examples from the leaders I work with:

• Getting deeply invested in a role, then hitting a wall of restlessness once the challenge levels off

• Conflict with a particular type of colleague or boss - different faces, same dynamic

• Cycles of high performance followed by burnout and withdrawal

• Difficulty delegating even when you know you should

• Saying yes when you mean no, then quietly resenting it

• Also works with anything you are dealing with in your personal life: money, love, health, etc.

Write it/them down. Note two or three specific examples from your career and/or life.

Step Two: Get Curious, Not Critical

Find a quiet moment. Take a few slow breaths. Then ask yourself, with genuine curiosity rather than judgment:

"What part of me feels responsible for keeping this pattern going?"

Let whatever comes up - an image, a memory, a pain in your body, an inner voice - simply be there. Don't analyze it yet. Just notice.

Step Three: Have the Conversation

In your journal, begin a dialogue with this part. Ask it:

• What are you trying to protect me from?

• How long have you been doing this job?

• What are you afraid will happen if you stop?

• What did you need to believe about the world for this pattern to make sense?

Write without editing. The goal isn't a polished answer, it's honest verbal processing without limiting what wants to surface.

Step Four: Offer an Update

Once you understand the role this part has been playing, acknowledge it directly:

"I can see why you've been doing this. Thank you for trying to keep me safe."

Then ask:

• Is there a version of this role that would serve me better now?

• What would it look like to protect me in a way that's aligned with who I am today?

• What would you need to trust that it's safe to do things differently?

Some leaders find that the protective pattern - once understood - naturally begins to soften. Others find it needs a new job: channeling that same vigilance into strategic thinking, that conflict avoidance into thoughtful discernment, that need for control into clear structure-setting.

The goal isn't to eliminate the part. It's to give it an updated role that actually serves the leader you're becoming.

Step Five: Anchor It

Choose something concrete that represents this shift for you - a question you ask yourself before a difficult conversation, a physical gesture, a note on your desk. Something that interrupts the automatic pattern long enough to make a different choice.

I often have my clients find a small totem that they can hold in their hand. When they know they are heading into a difficult conversation or preparing to disrupt a pattern, that they take the totem with them along with whatever they have prepared in advance and use that totem as a reminder to do the hard thing.

Return to it when the old pattern surfaces. And it will. Again and again. That's not failure - that's the work.

Step Six: Listen to the Meditation

Step Seven: Action, Reflect and/or Pivot

Once anchored in, what were the results? What happened, what was the response and how did you feel?

If the response was great: Great, keep doing it.

If the response wasn’t what you had hoped - how can you pivot and try something else?

A note on this practice:

This kind of self-inquiry sits at the intersection of neuroscience, leadership development, and Internal Family Systems - a framework developed by Dr. Richard Schwartz with decades of research behind it. You don't need to go deep into the methodology for this exercise to be useful. You just need to be willing to get honest with yourself.

Which, in my experience, is the thing most leaders are better at than they give themselves credit for.

If this kind of work resonates and you're curious about what it looks like inside a coaching engagement, I'd love to talk. Book a 30-minute clarity call here.