Naming and Feeling Your Emotions
The last few months have been interesting.
My dad passed last month. He was 89 years old and had an amazing life. I got to be there for the last two weeks – the joy and smile on his face when he saw me walk into the hospital after his stroke. The eyebrow and shoulder lift to try to relay to us his thoughts - when his speech never returned. The pneumonia that settled in his lungs. The very difficult decision to let him end his life comfortably.
As someone who left home after college and never returned for more than a week here and there – I was amazed by the profound sadness I felt, and still feel, at his passing. Which seems ridiculous to say, but is true. I have been fortunate not to have known death as an adult.
I now know a new acceptance from him, a new level of love.
My belief is that when we pass, we pass into true unlimited love.
The way we strive to be here on earth; but here we are limited by our ego, our beliefs, wants, needs and expectations.
My belief is that we are all worthy of love, acceptance, joy, abundance, kindness and a feeling of being settled in who we are. But man is that hard to live into every day surrounded by stressors, and well, other people who breathe…
I also was named one of the top 15 coaches in Las Vegas.
And LinkedIn just named me top voice in executive coaching.
And you know what? Other than the humble brag, I don’t feel any different from all of it. I’m honored. But I’m still exactly the same inside and outside.
I listened recently to a clip from Matt Damon when he won his first Oscar – I’ll paraphrase: he came home from the night of celebration, his girlfriend was asleep in the bed next to him and he looked at that Oscar and realized that he was so grateful that he didn’t have to wait and chase that “Oscar” until he was 70. Because he realized it didn’t matter. He was still him and it’s just a thing. He was no different now that he was an Oscar winner. And he was so grateful to learn this lesson at a young age.
But how many of us chase THE THING that they think will make them feel a different way?
The job or title that will give them status.
The relationship that will give them love and belonging
The beauty treatments and/or “body” that will make them beautiful, and then presumably accepted or wanted.
The money that will let them know that they are now safe.
The acceptance of god or christianity so that they don’t need to fear the after life.
But underneath it all is a fear that we aren’t enough.
And you are. I am.
About 10 years ago – I taught myself how to cry. Up until then, I fully believed my ingrained childhood belief of “what did I have to cry for?” – there were so many worse off people in the world. I should be happy at all times, and if I needed to cry it was something to do in the privacy of my bedroom.
I’m sure I cried over a broken heart – that was acceptable.
But me? No.
So I sat down after a session with Jeana Locke who does the emotion code to release trapped emotions.
And I cried.
I felt stupid, I felt inauthentic, I felt like I was faking it. I was forcing myself to cry like I was in a movie and that was what was required of me.
But I kept at it, because I somehow knew that it was important.
It was important to my inner child, to know that it was safe to release these emotions. Not to be the victim or to wallow in them – but to acknowledge the things in my life that were sad. To allow that it was ok to BE sad.
There was a fear that once I opened the floodgates there was no going backwards. I’d never be able to shove those feelings back in. And that was frightening.
But what I found was that I would actually – shockingly enough, feel better afterwards.
I had to do the same with Anger. Because that too wasn’t acceptable for me. I had to learn to scream, to punch, to rage (thankfully not against anyone, just in the privacy of my own room) to give those feelings a voice.
This past Saturday I finished watching Baby Reindeer (on Netflix) – I couldn’t binge it like others. I needed to go slow, it was difficult to watch. But the release of his shame and vulnerability, just unlocked another level of my grief.
I cried. And here was the kicker.
I didn’t even know what I was crying about.
There was no story line in my head. I wasn’t crying for the show. I just felt this deep need to cry.
And so I did.
If you were sitting with me, you would have assumed I was sad because I was crying. But actually, if I refer to the trusty wheel, there was a thankfulness to it - which falls under happy which doesn’t seem to compute — and also just a biological releasing. I was overcome by emotions and needed to release them — I wasn’t overwhelmed, I could have stopped if I wanted or needed to. It was like my body was purging tears - which maybe after so many years of holding them back — that’s just what it needs to do occasionally.
And I moved through it and felt better - more at peace, more in tune, maybe balanced within my emotions.
The shame, the story, the whatever that is behind crying is gone. It just is, just like laughing or joy.
Because if you aren’t able to go to the depths of sadness, or rage, or whatever else people deem as the “negative” emotions… then you also can’t reach the amazing highs of joy, ecstasy and true love for yourself.
Now I won’t say I’ve gotten to that consistent level yet – but I get tastes of it.
And I want more.
Weirdly enough — or not strange at all in the land of coincidences — I walked into a team meeting yesterday that was all about emotions.
We discussed the labeling of “good” vs “negative” emotions. We were vulnerable and we spoke about how we each accessed our emotions, talked about them, and moved through them.
Because we often assume people are just like us. That’s why there is so much conflict. So much misunderstanding in the world. Because we don’t understand how people just can’t see the truth we are trying to share with them. The good intentions. The desire for a positive outcome. If everyone could easily see that in each other, then we wouldn’t have conflict.
But we do because we live behind the veil of our unique emotions and stories behind them. The vulnerabilities the fear of being seen.
The scariest thing is to embrace all parts of ourselves. Once we do, then we learn how to love all the parts of ourselves. Which eventually, in theory, leads to our not caring what other people think of us, nor the need for any external validation.
I can’t say that I’m there yet. But I’m working on it. Working on slowing down when I get triggered, to notice why or what I’m getting upset about, looking to my past to see if it’s a childhood trigger, looking for the others perspective.
To unpack the story of what’s attached to the emotions. Is it true? Do I know it to be true?
Here’s a quick read in regards to stopping your negative mental chatter, for whatever is your particular go-to, by Emmet Fox, The 7-day Mental Diet.
And if you are chasing something then ask yourself “what will I feel when I get it?” and if it’s anything to do with your worthiness, then that’s your cue to slow down and imagine you are worthy now, without it.