How To Discover Your Shadow Self
“Spiritual Bypassing is a “tendency to use spiritual ideas and practices to sidestep or avoid facing unresolved emotional issues, psychological wounds, and unfinished developmental tasks.”
When we focus only on the “light” side of spirituality: the gratitude, the meditations, stillness, yoga for strength, the shavasana to relax our brain and body after doing the yoga; the beautiful crystals, affirmations, only seeing good in others, finding harmony and your “purpose” we are only looking at one side of the coin.
This is all well and good, but to have true joy, we must be able to feel true sadness.
To have freedom, we must be able to express our anger.
When I began seeking to know more about my spirituality, the light is what initially drew me. The mystery of a greater knowledge out there, a place for me to find ME, a place that would help me to be eternally “happy”.
Coming from a Catholic background where sin and guilt are de rigueur, a part of me believed (hoped?) that there was another way. I was in search of a loving God.
I thought that once I attained this level of happiness and love, I wouldn’t have any dark parts any more. I would only be the sum of the parts of the “positive” sides of my personality -- while the anxiety, the fears, the things that I tried hard to keep hidden away; the normal things that we all experience, but somehow equate as “bad”, would dissolve. Only then would I consider myself Wise and Spiritual with a capital S.
I found as I got deeper into that spiritual world, shining the spotlight illuminated ALL the parts of me. The things that I had thought were the “good” all of a sudden didn’t seem so “good” anymore. I started getting FARTHER from that “happy place” as I started seeing all of my internal “demons”.
Please note: I use “demon” not as an evil entity that is outside of us as some religions and poltergeist movie might portray, but as the internal voice in our head that is negative, cruel and damaging - the voice that is fueled by fear, judgement and lack, and often times referred to as the “ego”.
Here you have a choice:
You can face these demons head on, have a conversation with them and incorporate their learning and transmute them into something from a good/bad thing into just a thing.
OR
Ignore them. Go buy some crystals. Keep yourself busy in yoga, Lululemon and ROSE ALL DAY! and pretend that everything is peachy keen.
Personally, I found, once the door has been cracked open and the toe has found a threshold, there is no way to completely stuff it back in. No matter how hard you try, and what blindfolds you wear, it’ll sit there patiently, or not so patiently, until you face it, talk to it and dare I say, OWN it.
Until you realize that it isn’t actually a “demon” but just another part of you that needs some loving.
The question is how does one integrate the light side AND the dark side? What does that even mean?
That thing with its foot stuck in our door is our deepest shame - or at least the things we perceive within ourselves as wrong, unacceptable, inferior or just plain bad. It’s where we don’t feel we measure up to others or to what we perceive as the “right” standards.
These are the feelings that we have learned to label as “bad”, that we have shoved into the closet and shut the door on - but they still manage to lug around with us wherever we go as we hope, fingers-crossed, that no one can see.
It’s the parts of us that we deem unlovable, unworthy and if anyone knew the truth of how we truly were, they would be horrified.
I didn’t realize any of this when I began immersing myself in my spiritual journey which, for me, included therapy and classes, meditations, different healing modalities, weekend retreats, books, conversations and strange spiritual practices in order to find the light.
I remember saying to my first therapist, many years ago “I want to know what part I play in my life” which today seems so odd, but obviously I felt separate, divided in two. I also remember the first time I realized that it was ok for me to cry, at the age of 45, because I DID HAVE SOMETHING TO CRY ABOUT. And then I had to teach myself how to cry.
Which led to the time I did inner child work at a retreat and I cried so hard during lunch in my hotel room that I didn’t think I would be able to return to the group. But I actually felt lighter and more whole afterwards.
I screamed in the middle of a circle while people sat and observed me.
I sat on a mountain top amidst the songs of the birds. Did EMDR with a therapist AND talk therapy AND laid on the floor with my legs up the wall and talked about my heart. I did Shamanic journeys to the upper, middle and lower worlds. Met my animal spirit and my dead ancestors. Sat in ceremony in a sweat lodge and a few months later, a pipe ceremony. Conversations with my inner child and the older, wiser, future me. I have recorded my voice and listened to it over and over. Mirror work. Chanting and Kundalini. I’ve become certified as a Reiki 1 Level practitioner (though I don’t use this) and in EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique aka “tapping” - which I do use). These are just a small portion of the healing modalities I’ve done over the years.
Each thing I’ve done cracking the door a little wider allowing me to begin to heal.
The learning and experiences have continued since then, deepening my experience of my self and education of what else is out there; while using my wisdom to understand what is for me, and just as importantly, what isn’t.
This might sound like a lot (or potentially that I’m crazy) but I’m a seeker. An experimentalist. Through trial and error I discover more about me. As my son used to say, “dad’s hobby is playing the guitar, mom’s is spiritual stuff”. He’s not wrong.
One of my strengths is bringing all of me into my coaching, while still being pragmatic — sometimes the people who are the farthest from my thinking are the ones I enjoy working with the most and have no idea this side of me.
My goal is to always meet my clients where they are and this path is not everyones. But it IS my role, to help them see what patterns, what personal demons are keeping them small and stuck.
So I don’t want to scare you off and I do it all, so YOU don’t have to (unless you want to and then we’ll talk resources ;).
All of these modalities, teachers, healings, etc. have taught me something. They have helped me delve deeper into who I am and, dare I say, start to own ALL of myself; in the process my confidence has grown. My sense of self. My arrow has flown more true towards my goal, in service of others. I found, as I faced my shadows, I started the healing process. As I started healing, I started feeling better, started loving myself. All of me.
So how can you do all of this without asking strangers to observe you scream your fears at them?
Reading this is actually a start. You found this for a reason.
THEN becoming curious to know more about what you're hiding.
I am a big fan of journaling. I highly recommend The Artists Way and writing 3 pages a day. I, personally, find that journaling prompts help me get closer to the heart of the story. Grab a dedicated journal, or an old notebook, and write out answers to the following prompts — need a break? Take one. Be kind to yourself in this process. Take a walk, a nap, use EFT tapping if you feel trapped in a story. Lately I’m a big fan of jumping on a rebounder trampoline, dancing it out to a playlist. Whatever you write, is exactly right.
Below is a .pdf if you would like to download the journal prompts to come back to at a later date.
Do you want to do the journal prompts at a later date?
Click button to download and print a copy of only the journal prompts to complete at your convenience.
Following are some journaling prompts to consider:
We often think the stories we have been told are true and make up the story of who we are. We’ve probably heard these stories so many times in our past that we don’t even think to question them. These are the things your parents, or caregivers, said to you that began with “you are… “ Write out as many “you are…” stories that you can think of.
Now add to this list, anything that you have been told as a statement from parents, teachers, friends, colleagues, bosses, etc. That incessant chatter in your mind talking to you. The good, the bad and the ugly. Those words that seem to be stated as truth.
They usually start with: "you always... you are.... You have… You never... I can't.... I never.... I always.... I suck at.... I am bad at... I am...“ Write as many as you can think of.
Now, to get to the root of where the story comes from, answer these questions:
Where and when did it begin?
Is there any truth in it?
Is there another truth to the story?
What’s a new story I’d like to create?
What would you like to tell yourself from present day, your adult point of view?
I’ll give you a personal example:
For a very long time I thought that I couldn’t finish what I started. Ballet classes, track, fashion class, straight A’s, jewelry making, I’d start something new and then drop it half way through.
Here’s how I broke it down using the above prompts:
I always quit things when they get hard.
Where did it begin?
Ballet class. I’m the youngest of 5 and I started dancing at 5 years old. My mom often tells the story of how she had to drag me to class and on to the dance floor each weekend, so we stopped going.
I continued listing all the things I remember dropping out of, along with any reasoning or “why” that I could remember. Until I got to a doozy.
My junior year in high school I went to “fashion school”. I was bussed to another school for the first half of the day. We created, drew, studied and I loved it. Until we got invited to create an outfit to compete in a fashion show. I created and drew a dress, but I had no idea how to sew — my mom, who sewed us matching outfits since the time we were little said she would sew my dress. It was pretty simple, but still, it didn’t have a pattern and it was a drawing based on a picture in my head.
My mom didn’t start it until the night or two before the presentation, which consisted of me getting up on stage and wearing it in a competition, in front of an audience. And my dress was bad.
I was mortified. I cried, I was embarrassed. My parents yelled at me for being ungrateful.
Now to my moms defense, she didn’t know what the hell she was doing either. She worked full time, she was tired, there was no pattern and she did a pretty good job. I’m sure she felt horrible when I made a huge fuss about it the morning of of how bad it was.
I quit shortly afterwards. My dad went into the principals office and got me back into regular school.
The stories continue after this one.
The shame that I carried is that I’m not good enough and I don’t know how to stick things out.
Is there truth in it? Yes, I sure did quit a lot of things.
Is there another truth to the story? I can’t ask for help. When things get tough, I figure I’m on my own to either figure it out — or quit. This was very eye-opening for me.
What’s a new story I’d like to create? When I want to quit something — is there someone I can ask help from? What if I just stick it out and it’s just really bad? What fun am I having in the process? Do I need to just take a break? Where can I get creative?
My adult self wants to tell me that I rocked that dress. I have pictures of myself on stage walking with confidence. I might have been embarrassed, but I was not going to let anyone else see it. And no one did. I did not win any accolades, but in hindsight it really wasn’t that big of a deal. I was a 17 year old only focused on my own image. Just like I can barely remember any of other people that day — I’m sure no one remembers me. Which is almost silly to see how a story shaped so much of my life and future endeavors.
I also want to say I don’t blame my parents. They did the best they could at the time, like we all do. Every experience shapes us into the humans we are today — it’s the clarity we find today and what we do with it that actually matters. And I’m sure my kids will have plenty of these stories in their future. If you find yourself blaming your parents, that’s ok too, just continue journaling on that to understand where it stems from so you can see it clearly.
You can do the above for each “you are….” story. And when you get to a “doozy” the thing that feels like it really cemented in your story — give yourself some grace to see what was happening around the story. Try and look it like you are reading a book or watching a movie, noticing each step, versus being the child (or adult) within the story and reliving the shame (or whatever emotion is here).
The above is an example of what we consider to be our “shadow side”, or what we consider to be our “bad” habits, traits or parts of our personalities.
Now let’s look at our “good side”-- the conditioning piece.
How have you been conditioned to embrace the “exalted” version of the following?
To be good, be perfect, be humble, put others first, don’t be selfish, project with confidence, extroverts are rewarded, be quiet and meek, be in control, don’t control, be successful, be in a happy relationship, make money, live a certain lifestyle, be selfless, compare yourself to others and BE BETTER… the list can be long of how we judge ourselves against an invisible “perfect” image of our self that we are trying to uphold.
We want to look at both sides of the coin; the yin and yang, white feather or black, to accept all parts of us.
Right vs. wrong isn’t so crystal clear anymore, is it?
Carl Jung, the grandfather of shadow work, says that whatever negative quality we deny in ourselves, we criticize others for. And the opposite side is true as well, whatever amazing quality we see in others, we also have within ourselves..
For example:
If you notice someone's arrogance (replace this word with whatever character in others drives you crazy), notice where YOU are arrogant -- if it doesn’t come easily, go back farther in time, when maybe you were berated, embarrassed, yelled at, given a lesson on, etc for your arrogance ….
Where we condemn others we have the potential to be that too.
If you think someone is a show-off, it could be because you would like to be “bigger” but don’t think it’s ok, maybe you were punished or shamed from wanting the spotlight, so now you hide that little light deep within you, going nowhere near a stage. And instead complain when someone takes up the spot light or puts themselves out there, stating that they should be “humble”.
The other side of the coin is, if you admire someone’s leadership and presence, you too have that capability within you.
If you love Oprah, chances are good that your friends would say you have some of those same Oprah qualities. You get where I’m going with this.
Exercise: Write down what comes to mind with the following prompts.
Things I dislike in myself
Things I dislike in other people
Things I complain about
Things I criticize in others
Things I struggle with
Things I envy in others
This work isn’t easy, you and your brain have been just fine for years — but if you are ready to stop comparing yourself to every other person based on where they are on this scale of being human, and where you are, you gotta own it. As you do, you start to accept all parts of yourself and then, true joy.
“You have to accept your own dark side.“ -Carl Jung
As we incorporate our shadow, our real desires, beliefs and wants; we start to dismantle the mask (mask is latin for personality) that we have been conditioned to wear for how many years we have been alive.
FIRST STEP is always awareness. Once you are aware, you might not like it, but now you have something to work with AND MORE IMPORTANTLY you are merging the conscious and the subconscious.
Freud’s iceberg theory is that our conscious mind is 10% of the program, and the subconscious and unconscious are at 90%. What we can’t see is running the show. The above work is bringing more awareness above the water line.
Awareness, and then integrating the conditioned with the shadow to be a whole person. One who feels emotions, honors their strengths, looks realistically at their faults, finds peace in who they are. And in the process opens up space (all that hiding takes a whole lot of energy) in order to let more goodness from the universe in.
“Reality exists in the human mind and nowhere else”
- George Orwell, 1984
Here’s another exercise to tap into the subconscious belief system:
Let’s play a game, what’s the first thing (story or emotion) that comes to mind for each of the following words?
Being Famous Eccentric Runner Conservative A Big Personality
Hipster Intelligent Liberal Charming Artist New Yorker Hippie
Republican Homeless Spiritual Christian Democrat Millionaire Beautiful
Immigrant Shy Extroverted Millenial Successful Fat Skinny
Did you think “good” or “bad” for any of them? Did a judgement jump into your mind - or a constriction to your chest or your belly? Did you recognize yourself in any of the words - and what did that bring up? Or thought about someone else that you have judgement around?
These are just words, but many words have emotions attached to them. Stories and emotions based on our upbringing, our sense of the world and our conditioning.
Depending which words have which meaning, they can hold an energy in you that you don’t like or that which may feel unattainable.
Every person who reads these words will attach a different word or even possibly a different definition, based on their experience.
In coaching, when discussing values, I’ll often ask a person to define what the word means to them. My definition of freedom and yours might be very different, but we often assume the other person has the same definition of ours.
I know growing up, my dad always called the people who backed into their parking spots at church “republican parking”. The message was: they think they are better than us; they don’t care about anyone else, therefore they will make US wait so that they can get the very best possible parking direction for easy exit. Take a guess as to which political party my dad was part of and how this colored my political views. This also makes me feel slightly guilty when I “republican park” (and yes my kids now know the term too — though I have explained the messaging).
Notice that there are no definitive judgements to the above words, they are unique to each person based on their conditioning, belief system and experience.
“An integrated person isn’t a person who has eliminated the sense of guilt, or the sense of anxiety or whatever. It’s the person who feels all these things, but has no recriminations against self for feeling them”
Exercise to shine light on what your subconscious is telling you:
Over the next week or two, notice what “negative” thoughts come up for you or where you feel triggered. Make a note on your phone or within a notebook you can carry with you labeled TRIGGERS, so that when you think a thought you can capture it. It can be a phrase, or a loop running in your brain, or something stopping you from taking an action AND / OR a feeling, maybe a lump in your chest, a burning in your throat, etc.
How often did it come up? Was it the same story, a variation of a story or do you have a few running stories?
Three Different Tools you can try to change your mindset:
You can look at healing in numerous ways. What I absolutely know is true through coaching people, is what works for one does not mean it will work for someone else. I often use multiple tools and/or examples to find the one that resonates most with the individual, so trust your intuition and try a few, research others and find what works for you.
(1) From the lens of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) - a psychoanalytical tool to help you shift negative thought patterns, by asking yourself questions.
Letting go negative thoughts with Accept, Release and Replace.
Acknowledge the negative thought pattern/emotion (fear, scarcity, safety, etc) notice where you are feeling it in your body and accept it and acknowledge the emotion.
Then ask what you need to do to release the emotion. What would you need to do to trust instead?
Replace the emotion with trust that all will work out.
(2) Tell it to STOP. Say you hear it, and you are letting it go. I then usually follow up with the trust statement or something else that I prefer to believe instead. I know, MY hamster wants to run that wheel and if I just say stop, it might come back with another argument.
(3) Journal out all your fears. If solutions come forward, mind maps, lists, etc. get it all out on the paper.
Please note that the above can feel like A LOT. Try not to let it be overwhelming This work isn’t easy, though it can be simple. It’s making the ego take a step back and let that inner star shine -- we have been conditioned in one way or another our ENTIRE LIVES to live a certain way -- either towards a “way of life” or rebelling against a “way of life”.
My hope is to normalize the voice in your head, the one that is limiting to you and to help you realize this is true for everyone.
There is a saying that we would never talk to a friend the way we talk to ourselves in our brain. Try and hear it and stop it.
Also I encourage you to have a little grace with yourself. Allow the strengths, the weaknesses, the peculiarities, the joy and the sadness. They all have room here.
Please notice if you feel you might need a therapist, coach, good friend, partner to help you see what is true and what isn’t, in order to help you gain clarity on a new “normal”.
Find someone trusted and share your journal responses with. I’ll never forget the first time I told my therapist that my mom always called me a “bullshitter” and she said “I’m so sorry. That is not kind.” I was shocked by her response, as it was such a part of my life that I never even questioned it. It was so healing to have someone say, “that is not how I see you or who you are”.
Notice that you also may exhibit behaviors, patterns, way of speaking that are negative, victimized, angered, etc. that you have never been aware of before. That’s ok, just get them out.
For me, I feel the biggest impact in my healing and uncovering my stories have been EMDR, tapping and journaling. What I have found in these modalities, is that I have gone places, told stories that I haven’t told ANYONE… not that I wouldn’t, but I just hadn’t realized that they were an emotional piece of blockage in my subconscious.
In finding the trapped emotions -- the shame, the hidden trauma, the things that are blocking us from being who we are whole-heartedly so that we can feel true joy again.
Synopsis of the above to heal your shadow parts:
Become aware of your self-talk and notice the emotion that you feel in your body
Tell story of said emotion.
Further exploration on whether that story is true or a shadow projection from someone else.
Where did the story originate?
Is this story true?
How do you want to feel about that story (conscious choice)?
You may have to do this many, many times. But you will notice that you get quicker in noticing when you aren’t being kind to yourself.
“When you find out there was never anything in the dark side to be afraid of … Nothing is left but to love.”
ADDITIONAL JOURNAL PROMPTS
Write down any statement, thoughts or feelings that come to you:
✧ Any statement that begins with: “I don’t…. Examples: I don’t know what to do… I don’t know how to do… I don’t know what my next step … I don’t have enough time/ money / education / etc.….
✧ What masks, behaviors and/or stories do I hide behind?
✧ Ask a close friend or loved one where they think you are holding yourself back.
✧ Where do thoughts of abundance (Health, money, relationships, etc.) pop into my head and what is the running commentary?
✧ Who am I jealous of or who completely triggers me? Also look to social media -- what are the feelings that are brought up in me, or things that I tell myself, about certain people that I feel triggered by.
✧ What comes up for me around trust / safety / etc.?
✧ Where do I have physical pain? Ask the body part what it wants you to know?
✧ Where, and how, does my anger flare up?
✧ Where am I a victim?
✧ Where am I a perpetrator?
✧ Where do I take on the role of rescuer?
✧ What affirmations do I know to be true of myself? Come up with 3, or more, “affirmations” or things I know to be real and true in my life and that feel good to me or I want more of.
✧ Notice over the next week or so, when does my body feels out of balance, or anxious, nervous, flighty, stuck, angered, shut down, overly forceful, weak or fearful. Notice and note how it feels in my body and what is happening around me that is triggering it.
✧ What is my legacy and scars? Where in my familial legacy, or ancestral line, are the secrets? Was there shame passed down? What was I told, or where was it inferred, not to speak of?
✧ How about in my past? Where is the shame? Where are the scars that I grew from? That made me stronger. Get as specific or as vague as serves you and keeps you safe without retraumatizing you. Think back to when I was a child, and like a family tree, list your scars through the years. Whatever feels true for you -- even if you were told they weren't a big deal or to "get over it" if you remember it like a scar - then it probably is.